Stormz Blog of Wonders and Woes

Well, I have just about nothing to talk about.. But, ya know, that comes from doing nothing all day.. Everyday.. *sigh*. :(.

Mums starting to get annoyed at me so often for being on the computer so much.. It's completely true, I am.. It's just.. Sometimes you just wake up (even while awake) and I just realise how crap my life is.. It makes me just feel so depressed.. So unhappy.. Usually the feeling won't go away unless I immerse myself in something exciting and interactive (currently only the computer at the moment) or I go sleep.. I suppose I just see the computer as just a way to escape my everyday life, a way to escape how crap it truly is.. In the same way that people may use books per say.

I had another horrible dream last night.. I had a cat with me at all times for some reason.. I know the cat was mine because I loved it a LOT.. For some reason the locations seemed to be ever changing.. The city.. The School.. And a couple of places I didn't recognize.. Then suddenly I was at some place going across a thin plank that was over some water with a bunch of other people.. When I got to the other side *many tripped* somebody told me my cat had died.. I raced to her *I just know it was a her, Karma or Kit Kat?* and it was true.. I suddenly cried and cried and cried and felt a great feeling of loss (I still feel it now)

Suddenly, perhaps a different dream, I was in this science lab in a Hogwarts-type place. There was this guy trying to get some formula, I was doing all I could to stop it.. I waited on the stairs near the laboratory with all lights off, and suddenly heard the door of the lab.. I couldn't stop him, I ran to tell some adult, and the dream ended..

I have this real problem with dreams... When I close my eyes, or if somehow everything goes dark.. I can't see again.. I can't open my eyes, everything is blurry and it's just horrible.. I feel incredibly blind sometimes in my dreams.

I also can't focus.. I imagine a person running around a tree for example, but can't make him stop. When I try to stop him, he runs faster and faster.. Apply that to anything, it'll be the same.. Like going down the stairs, if I want him to go slowly, he'll go fast. If I want him to go fast, he'll go fast.

Well, I just absolutely-positively-ultra-extraordinarily give up. Repeated attempts to fix my sleeping pattern have failed, miserably.

I managed to stay up until about 10-11am on Saturday, it was a good start. I awoke around the 9pm mark, and began my endless wander into the night. Computering all night, I was shocked to find myself tired at about 5am... Realising this would be good, I went to bed and woke up at 12pm..

At first, I was pleased to have awakened myself at 12pm, as to me (normally), this was an EXCELLENT way to fix my sleep pattern, simply go to bed at about 12am and boom, quite well fixed.

BZZZZZZT.
Didn't work.

Ended up getting sleepy at some point, bla di bla di bla, went to bed about 6am yesterday and slept until like.. uh.. 12pm? I thinkz. So yes, I was quite disappointed. HOWEVER!! I was very pleased to find my body EXTREMELY exhausted all afternoon.. Tried to nap at 2pm, Body exhausted, mind not ready. Fine, ok, it'll keep me awake. Tried to nap at 4pm, Body yelling at me, mind still not ready.. Geez, I said, I'll stay up a bit longer.. When I finally made it to 6pm I was like "YAY!!!".. I thought this would get me until at the very LEAST! 1-2am.. I was pretty sure I could fix it from there. But noooo, I wake up at about 10pm last night.. I was very sad.. :(. So, liek yeah, I finally got on the computer at 2am this morning (damn Nat >_>) so I had his Mocha ^^. Dunno whether he knew it was his. Meh, I say.

Now, I know that I complain about Josh a lot.. But.. I don't want people to get the wrong impression.. I DO really care about him.. I see him (not literally) doing poorly at school, he tells me he chats instead of doing work.. I see his attitude slowly turning incredibly nasty.. He used to be a little bit nicer.. I'm extremely worried about this.. I don't want him to start turning sloppy and mess up his life.. This'll sound odd, but I have shed tears over this.. I, just, don't want him to make the same mistakes that I have in my life..

Yesterday he didn't go to school.. Don't know if he was sick, but he wasn't acting it yesterday. I was pretty annoyed.. When I use to attend school the rules were (between us), "If you don't go to school, you don't get on the computer." but lately, this rule has just gone to the gutter.

What I want him to know is that if he decides to stay home, sick or not, that he shouldn't just automatically expect to go on the computer, which he does. See, I figure, if he IS sick, he should be resting.. I don't want him to see the idea as "Don't go to school and just play computer all day."

Mum saw this differently however, she ruled that he was to go on.. He went on for about 4-5 hours last night *disappointed*. I can argue, and argue, and argue, but my reasoning has no backbone.. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, nothing matters because I don't go to school, even though in my opinion the situation is ENTIRELY different.. *sigh*.

It's not that I wanted him to not go on so I could stay on though, I would have gladly gotten off for any period of time.. I just didn't want him to go on.

*taps chin* Hmm... What else..

Oh, one other thing about Josh.. As I don't leave the house right now, he has pretty much just taken over my Yu-gi-oh! Cards. (I play, it's a hobbie, meh.) He just takes all my cards for my deck, and shoves words into my mouth like "Can't I just sell them?" and things like that. IF I WANTED YOU TO SELL THEM OR USE THEM I WOULD HAVE JUST SAID SO. He is always saying things like "Just go to bed Zac, don't come with us Zac, you know you won't come with us Zac.." Or, if he's losing an argument. "WELL AT LEAST I GO TO SCHOOL, GO DIE or GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF.."

Yay for my low self-esteem and weak personality.

I'm sorry I don't have anything interesting to talk about.. I don't do anything, so.. =(.

I want to start saving up for games for myself.. But I'm not sure how. I don't receive Pocket Money (due to funds being needed for bills + food), and as you know, I don't leave the house. Any ideas? Some may say to just sell my cards, but when I get better I may want to start playing again.

Well, I can't think of anything else for now. Catch ya all later.

Thought I'd do another Journal Entry.

Well, since you last saw me, I have TOTALLY messed up my sleep pattern. For the last week or so, it's been a horrible 4pm-6am awakiness. I sleep during the day, but don't really get any rest. Most of the time I'm just lying in bed doing nothing..

Hopefully I'll be able to fix it in the next couple of days; I woke up at about 12am this morning which is quite a large start.

Now.. Once again, I chickened out on going out again yesterday. All week I was saying, "Must go, Must go!" but alas, Saturday rolled round and I had stayed up all night totally messing myself up. Daniel called me a lazy hobo, and continued to when he got back. I know in a way he was just playing, but he's right. Not really sure if he understands how I feel though.. I really hate this agoraphobia.

Continuing; I realised last night how much it's really affecting me. The only times that I really leave the house are to;

a) Walk to the shop
b) Drive to the shop with mum
c) See my Doctor.

I continued to think that a) and b) are really only because I feel guilty that mum would have to do it by herself.. My guilt is probably the only thing getting me outside on occasion.. I think if it were not for this guilt; I would just.. never leave the house..

This makes me pretty darn sad =(. I miss going out and having fun sooo much.. I just have stupid panic attack things in my mind and I end up just going to hide in my room..

Last week;
Repairman came over; I hid in room.
Repairman came over again; I hid in my room.
Cleaner supposed to come; I hid in my room anyway.

So as you can see, I'm getting pretty anti-social as well.

Another thing that sucks is that when Josh wakes up he just kicks me off the computer automatically. It's really annoying that as soon as I get off the computer, I have this complete feeling of just absolute boredom. On Tuesday (?) Josh was to go on from 8.30pm-10.30pm., followed by Nat going on from 10.30pm - ??.??am.

Seeing how bored I was going to be, I litterally just lay in bed for those hours, doing nothing.
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^^^^
A silly attempt at a manga face. Oh well. :P

Well.. I think that's all I've got on my mind at the moment.. So yeah, off to play Ultima Online now. Cya.
       

Welcome to another exert in the life of Zach, and tonight's host is...... ZACH!

Thank you, Thank you..

...
[/craziness]

Well.. I saw my shrink yesterday.. It went pretty well I think. I had lots on my mind, so it was good to get it off my chest.. For those who were uplate, I had contemplated not going, worrying myself until 5am.. But I did go.. And it was good. I felt good. I didn't tear for once, which made me feel good at the time, but awkward later on that night.. Don't know why.

On the way home, I was treated to a delicious cheese-and-bacon roll, and a Mocha. I love Mocha.. (Curses the fact that he doesn't have one right now).

I have a worry at the moment however, saying it to get off my chest. At night, I've noticed, I just get really bad and its when I start to worry. Worrying leads to more worrying, which usually keeps me awake until much later in the night.. It's annoying, a habit I would rather do without.

I've been having a real creative spark lately..  I don't know.. Just randomly mumbling out random lyrics to a combination of tunes I mix together in my head.. Also started to listen to old favourite composititions of mine, like the Final Fantasy VIII intro {Latin} and Final Fantasy VII Battle Theme performed by a Syphany of some sort.. Here's a random slow song I made up last night;

Walk Away... Never shed a single tear..
Turn awayyy... Let your pain be free tonight.
No matter what may aile you, I'm your shining star
Let me be your light in the darkness of your night
As your dayss do go on.. and your memories fade away
let me be the spark that reminds you who you are,
I'm yourr shinin' star

Yeah, I know it's weird and cheesy. But meh, I like it.

Something I'd really be interested in doing is practicing with some sort of martial art.. Nothing bare fisted; like Karate or Tae Kwon Doe; but I'd like to do something using Wooden Swords.. Swordsmanship if you will.. I just feel like swinging a sword, and I'd rather do it in a trained situation then by swinging around a big stick.. I really think I would be interested in this.. *shrug*.

Anyway.. I think that's all I can think of for now, Signin' Out.. Zach.. :)

I feel like complaining..

I hate my brother, his name is Josh. He doesn't seem to think as my 'problem' per se as in illness.. Therefore, guess what he does? Treats me like crap.. Damn makes me feel special ;).

So yeah, that's why I can't get on the computer sometimes.. He sees it this way; he goes to school, he gets the rest of the night on the computer. I didn't go, I don't get to go on the computer..

He must like proding my loneliness.. Thanks Josh ^^.

Got Harry Potter 6 Today.. Started reading.. getting there..
Now I'm gonna do a bit of hunting on an MMORPG I play called Ultima Online.

But anyway, I've been having these really weird thoughts lately, about water.. Don't know why, but I just get this HUGE impression that whenever I die, it's going to be in water.. Not a big fan of the ocean.. And everyone I die-by-water in a game, I just feel funny.. I don't know.

I like Magical Stuff.. Magic.. ^^ Magic ^^ YAY ^^.. .......

Question for Commenters; if you could take an element, which would it be and why?

(DARK, LIGHT, WIND, WATER, EARTH, FIRE)
Dark and Light because I can..

I think I'd choose Wind.. Don't know why.. Just kind of like some sort of uh.. Wandering Spirit? Meh.. Oh well.. Shrink tomorrow so.. Not looking forward to it. Expect a blog entry after I see her..

Well, catcha later,
Zac.

Yo =/

My name is Zac and I live in Perth, Western Australia.. I am 16. I have lots on my mind.. But.. I don't want to delay any longer.. I am going to tell you the truth about my life.. The truth that troubles me day and night..

I was having a talk with my mum earlier.. Bout the past and my feelings mostly And I've pretty much been supressing everything I realised for the last.. oh.. Five years, probably more, of my life.. I've cried easily.. A lot easily then most people.. So I continued talking with her.. She told me all the horrible things that happened.. When I was Four.. My mum was abused by my dad.. I don't remember any of this... But my dad would hold my mum under the shower..We'd lock ourselves in the toilet.. And he'd bang around the house and turn the power off.. She told me that when I saw a psycholigist (yes at age 4) that I just drew my family as my mum and two brothers.. Safe inside the house.. My father was a monster I had drawn outside. I don't remember the exact age, But I had a step father at one point. I didn't like him.. He used to spank me lots for no reason.. And kicked me once for accidently dropping my clothes. But I remember one thing.. One thing I can remember clearly..
Sitting in my room, in terror, with my back against the door..Hoping I would be strong enough (as a child) to prevent my step-father from getting in to spank me. I don't remember much about Grades 1-4, But I do remember this..
I thought I had a friend. At the time that is.. His name was/is Dustin.. And at the time.. I felt like he was my only friend.. But the things he did to me.. Things mum help remind me of..
He used to knock me off Swings.. Bang my head into walls.. He left me alone and said I couldn't join in while he played with his other friends.. After that.. I went to a new school,
We're up to about Grade 5 now. I started to school refuse a bit here..I cried lots.. And lots..
I would sit in the car crying my eyes out, begging my mum to let me stay home
I was only in Grade 5.. But their was still noticeable differences.. People who were good at sports, and people who weren't. I remember getting teased lots.. I had one friend.. His name was Glenn.. He joined class late first term but we friended easily.. He always looked out for me.. But.. I still felt alone.We go up till Grade 8.. The teasing continued still. My grades.. this whole time.. Through all my sadness.. A's and B's.. And in Grade 8.. Glandular Fever.. But before I continue..

My breakdowns started earlier.. Nobody noticed.. Nobody thought..
When I was 4.. or 5.. I had my first breakdown.. Biggest mistake of my life.. I quit Ballet. (I did ballet.. SO BLOODY WHAT?! IT WAS THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE, SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, TOUGH BLOODY COOKIES!!) When I was 11 or 12.. I was learning Piano.. Had another breakdown and called my Piano Teacher names.. If I could find him now I would apoligize so much.. But you know one thing I remember about my whole life? Being Sad.. And Alone.. And crying.

:(

Now.. Up to Grade 8.. I was changing schools finally; and it was the first day of a new term.. My mother's birthday infact.. I got to school, was getting ready for class, and BOOM! Had a breakdown.. Doctor two days later; blood test; diagnosed with Glandular Fever. I don't think anyone understands.. Nobody in the world infact.. Understands how much I love my mum.. And for this to happen on her birthday.. I have never forgiven myself.. Never, Never at all.

I was at home for a number of weeks.. Glandular Fever still going in and out.. But then I was better, and it was time to go back..

But I couldn't..

Everytime I got to school.. I would start to cry at some time during the day.. This is at age 13 people. So.. In the end.. I began to school refuse.. At some point or another; I was taken to a psychiatrist; and diagnosed with Depression..

I feel like.. I just never get a break sometimes.

Depression lasted a long time.. And then I finally got back to school.. Well.. bit different; and open learning school run by a lovely lady by the name of Margaret.. Now don't get me wrong, Margaret was a lovely person who actually did care.. But.. The school was just.. I don't know. I think she could do things different, I just don't know what.. Anyway.

During the time at this school nicknamed (KIDS), I met a person called Daniel.. Daniel and I are now friends, still up to this day..

The end of last year; I bode my farewells; and left KIDS. I signed up for a place called Canning College at the beginning of this year, holidays came and went, and so began Term One..

I did fine.. Was doing rather great actually.. Yep.. Really great.. BOOM! Breakdown. End of Term One.

Why is it that everytime I was doing WELL at something I had a breakdown???

Since my breakdown, I have redeveloped depression, and now I have agoraphobia.. I BARELY leave the house anymore.. I can go to places I've been a hundred times (Shops..) but that's about it.. I can't handle anything else. I don't go to school anymore because everytime I try I just have a panic attack.. I don't even go to town anymore to have fun.. I'm stuck in this bloody house too scared to go anywhere.. And it's NOT FAIR! I miss my friends so much I miss my hobbies... I worry so much, day and night, about what my life is going to be about.. I feel so useless at the moment.. I have suicidal thoughts a lot, but I know I could never do it.. This is gonna sound reason, but do you want to know why? Because I love mum too much.. I would give my LIFE for her readers..

Now I understand that you probably wouldn't understand, but its ok... But.. I just really hate life.. I hate my life.. And talking about it.. Posting on the internet.. It's not easy.. But please, please.. I have one.. Hold on starting to cry.. Hard to cry when your sick with the flu..

Anyway..

I have one request.. Please.. Please try to understand it...

I don't want you to talk to me differently.. I don't want you to act towards me differently.. All I need is your friendship.. Because I know one day, I will get out of this friggin place, and I will be free.. I will be happy.. And I will meet you all. I have friends in the USA. Two great friends who are like sisters to me.. I love them so much; and I don't care what anyone thinks.  It's funny ya know.. Don't think there's ever been a period in my house where I have been happy and my subconcious accepts it

Well.. I don't think I have anymore rambling to add.. I just wanted to get the icky stuff off my chest, because I think it helps to 'unload the backpack' in a sense..

Psychiatrist on Thursday (well tomorrow), but I don't think I'll be going to sleep yet.. I feel really sad and not-caring about life at the moment.. Well,

Cya Later,
Zac..

6am.. I give up.. I'm heading to bed.
I wrote this poem to say goodnight to Amichan.. (Neechan means little sister)

Another day has passed and gone, while I should have slept..
My secret, sadness, in my heart.. Something I've well kept..
Although great love fills my sorrow, my eyes begin to droop..
I wonder still, I wonder why.. My feelings trapped in a loop..
Though one day still, I do dream, I shall be happy once more..
I head to bed, feeling sleepy, I pray I do not snore!
But neechan dear, I love you so; pray tell you tell heleta too!
Love you must; my head grows weary.. I bid goodnight to you.

Goodnight world.