Stormz Blog of Wonders and Woes

Well, I have just about nothing to talk about.. But, ya know, that comes from doing nothing all day.. Everyday.. *sigh*. :(.

Mums starting to get annoyed at me so often for being on the computer so much.. It's completely true, I am.. It's just.. Sometimes you just wake up (even while awake) and I just realise how crap my life is.. It makes me just feel so depressed.. So unhappy.. Usually the feeling won't go away unless I immerse myself in something exciting and interactive (currently only the computer at the moment) or I go sleep.. I suppose I just see the computer as just a way to escape my everyday life, a way to escape how crap it truly is.. In the same way that people may use books per say.

I had another horrible dream last night.. I had a cat with me at all times for some reason.. I know the cat was mine because I loved it a LOT.. For some reason the locations seemed to be ever changing.. The city.. The School.. And a couple of places I didn't recognize.. Then suddenly I was at some place going across a thin plank that was over some water with a bunch of other people.. When I got to the other side *many tripped* somebody told me my cat had died.. I raced to her *I just know it was a her, Karma or Kit Kat?* and it was true.. I suddenly cried and cried and cried and felt a great feeling of loss (I still feel it now)

Suddenly, perhaps a different dream, I was in this science lab in a Hogwarts-type place. There was this guy trying to get some formula, I was doing all I could to stop it.. I waited on the stairs near the laboratory with all lights off, and suddenly heard the door of the lab.. I couldn't stop him, I ran to tell some adult, and the dream ended..

I have this real problem with dreams... When I close my eyes, or if somehow everything goes dark.. I can't see again.. I can't open my eyes, everything is blurry and it's just horrible.. I feel incredibly blind sometimes in my dreams.

I also can't focus.. I imagine a person running around a tree for example, but can't make him stop. When I try to stop him, he runs faster and faster.. Apply that to anything, it'll be the same.. Like going down the stairs, if I want him to go slowly, he'll go fast. If I want him to go fast, he'll go fast.

Well, I just absolutely-positively-ultra-extraordinarily give up. Repeated attempts to fix my sleeping pattern have failed, miserably.

I managed to stay up until about 10-11am on Saturday, it was a good start. I awoke around the 9pm mark, and began my endless wander into the night. Computering all night, I was shocked to find myself tired at about 5am... Realising this would be good, I went to bed and woke up at 12pm..

At first, I was pleased to have awakened myself at 12pm, as to me (normally), this was an EXCELLENT way to fix my sleep pattern, simply go to bed at about 12am and boom, quite well fixed.

BZZZZZZT.
Didn't work.

Ended up getting sleepy at some point, bla di bla di bla, went to bed about 6am yesterday and slept until like.. uh.. 12pm? I thinkz. So yes, I was quite disappointed. HOWEVER!! I was very pleased to find my body EXTREMELY exhausted all afternoon.. Tried to nap at 2pm, Body exhausted, mind not ready. Fine, ok, it'll keep me awake. Tried to nap at 4pm, Body yelling at me, mind still not ready.. Geez, I said, I'll stay up a bit longer.. When I finally made it to 6pm I was like "YAY!!!".. I thought this would get me until at the very LEAST! 1-2am.. I was pretty sure I could fix it from there. But noooo, I wake up at about 10pm last night.. I was very sad.. :(. So, liek yeah, I finally got on the computer at 2am this morning (damn Nat >_>) so I had his Mocha ^^. Dunno whether he knew it was his. Meh, I say.

Now, I know that I complain about Josh a lot.. But.. I don't want people to get the wrong impression.. I DO really care about him.. I see him (not literally) doing poorly at school, he tells me he chats instead of doing work.. I see his attitude slowly turning incredibly nasty.. He used to be a little bit nicer.. I'm extremely worried about this.. I don't want him to start turning sloppy and mess up his life.. This'll sound odd, but I have shed tears over this.. I, just, don't want him to make the same mistakes that I have in my life..

Yesterday he didn't go to school.. Don't know if he was sick, but he wasn't acting it yesterday. I was pretty annoyed.. When I use to attend school the rules were (between us), "If you don't go to school, you don't get on the computer." but lately, this rule has just gone to the gutter.

What I want him to know is that if he decides to stay home, sick or not, that he shouldn't just automatically expect to go on the computer, which he does. See, I figure, if he IS sick, he should be resting.. I don't want him to see the idea as "Don't go to school and just play computer all day."

Mum saw this differently however, she ruled that he was to go on.. He went on for about 4-5 hours last night *disappointed*. I can argue, and argue, and argue, but my reasoning has no backbone.. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, nothing matters because I don't go to school, even though in my opinion the situation is ENTIRELY different.. *sigh*.

It's not that I wanted him to not go on so I could stay on though, I would have gladly gotten off for any period of time.. I just didn't want him to go on.

*taps chin* Hmm... What else..

Oh, one other thing about Josh.. As I don't leave the house right now, he has pretty much just taken over my Yu-gi-oh! Cards. (I play, it's a hobbie, meh.) He just takes all my cards for my deck, and shoves words into my mouth like "Can't I just sell them?" and things like that. IF I WANTED YOU TO SELL THEM OR USE THEM I WOULD HAVE JUST SAID SO. He is always saying things like "Just go to bed Zac, don't come with us Zac, you know you won't come with us Zac.." Or, if he's losing an argument. "WELL AT LEAST I GO TO SCHOOL, GO DIE or GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF.."

Yay for my low self-esteem and weak personality.

I'm sorry I don't have anything interesting to talk about.. I don't do anything, so.. =(.

I want to start saving up for games for myself.. But I'm not sure how. I don't receive Pocket Money (due to funds being needed for bills + food), and as you know, I don't leave the house. Any ideas? Some may say to just sell my cards, but when I get better I may want to start playing again.

Well, I can't think of anything else for now. Catch ya all later.

Thought I'd do another Journal Entry.

Well, since you last saw me, I have TOTALLY messed up my sleep pattern. For the last week or so, it's been a horrible 4pm-6am awakiness. I sleep during the day, but don't really get any rest. Most of the time I'm just lying in bed doing nothing..

Hopefully I'll be able to fix it in the next couple of days; I woke up at about 12am this morning which is quite a large start.

Now.. Once again, I chickened out on going out again yesterday. All week I was saying, "Must go, Must go!" but alas, Saturday rolled round and I had stayed up all night totally messing myself up. Daniel called me a lazy hobo, and continued to when he got back. I know in a way he was just playing, but he's right. Not really sure if he understands how I feel though.. I really hate this agoraphobia.

Continuing; I realised last night how much it's really affecting me. The only times that I really leave the house are to;

a) Walk to the shop
b) Drive to the shop with mum
c) See my Doctor.

I continued to think that a) and b) are really only because I feel guilty that mum would have to do it by herself.. My guilt is probably the only thing getting me outside on occasion.. I think if it were not for this guilt; I would just.. never leave the house..

This makes me pretty darn sad =(. I miss going out and having fun sooo much.. I just have stupid panic attack things in my mind and I end up just going to hide in my room..

Last week;
Repairman came over; I hid in room.
Repairman came over again; I hid in my room.
Cleaner supposed to come; I hid in my room anyway.

So as you can see, I'm getting pretty anti-social as well.

Another thing that sucks is that when Josh wakes up he just kicks me off the computer automatically. It's really annoying that as soon as I get off the computer, I have this complete feeling of just absolute boredom. On Tuesday (?) Josh was to go on from 8.30pm-10.30pm., followed by Nat going on from 10.30pm - ??.??am.

Seeing how bored I was going to be, I litterally just lay in bed for those hours, doing nothing.
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^^^^
A silly attempt at a manga face. Oh well. :P

Well.. I think that's all I've got on my mind at the moment.. So yeah, off to play Ultima Online now. Cya.