Stormz Blog of Wonders and Woes

Yo =/

My name is Zac and I live in Perth, Western Australia.. I am 16. I have lots on my mind.. But.. I don't want to delay any longer.. I am going to tell you the truth about my life.. The truth that troubles me day and night..

I was having a talk with my mum earlier.. Bout the past and my feelings mostly And I've pretty much been supressing everything I realised for the last.. oh.. Five years, probably more, of my life.. I've cried easily.. A lot easily then most people.. So I continued talking with her.. She told me all the horrible things that happened.. When I was Four.. My mum was abused by my dad.. I don't remember any of this... But my dad would hold my mum under the shower..We'd lock ourselves in the toilet.. And he'd bang around the house and turn the power off.. She told me that when I saw a psycholigist (yes at age 4) that I just drew my family as my mum and two brothers.. Safe inside the house.. My father was a monster I had drawn outside. I don't remember the exact age, But I had a step father at one point. I didn't like him.. He used to spank me lots for no reason.. And kicked me once for accidently dropping my clothes. But I remember one thing.. One thing I can remember clearly..
Sitting in my room, in terror, with my back against the door..Hoping I would be strong enough (as a child) to prevent my step-father from getting in to spank me. I don't remember much about Grades 1-4, But I do remember this..
I thought I had a friend. At the time that is.. His name was/is Dustin.. And at the time.. I felt like he was my only friend.. But the things he did to me.. Things mum help remind me of..
He used to knock me off Swings.. Bang my head into walls.. He left me alone and said I couldn't join in while he played with his other friends.. After that.. I went to a new school,
We're up to about Grade 5 now. I started to school refuse a bit here..I cried lots.. And lots..
I would sit in the car crying my eyes out, begging my mum to let me stay home
I was only in Grade 5.. But their was still noticeable differences.. People who were good at sports, and people who weren't. I remember getting teased lots.. I had one friend.. His name was Glenn.. He joined class late first term but we friended easily.. He always looked out for me.. But.. I still felt alone.We go up till Grade 8.. The teasing continued still. My grades.. this whole time.. Through all my sadness.. A's and B's.. And in Grade 8.. Glandular Fever.. But before I continue..

My breakdowns started earlier.. Nobody noticed.. Nobody thought..
When I was 4.. or 5.. I had my first breakdown.. Biggest mistake of my life.. I quit Ballet. (I did ballet.. SO BLOODY WHAT?! IT WAS THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE, SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, TOUGH BLOODY COOKIES!!) When I was 11 or 12.. I was learning Piano.. Had another breakdown and called my Piano Teacher names.. If I could find him now I would apoligize so much.. But you know one thing I remember about my whole life? Being Sad.. And Alone.. And crying.

:(

Now.. Up to Grade 8.. I was changing schools finally; and it was the first day of a new term.. My mother's birthday infact.. I got to school, was getting ready for class, and BOOM! Had a breakdown.. Doctor two days later; blood test; diagnosed with Glandular Fever. I don't think anyone understands.. Nobody in the world infact.. Understands how much I love my mum.. And for this to happen on her birthday.. I have never forgiven myself.. Never, Never at all.

I was at home for a number of weeks.. Glandular Fever still going in and out.. But then I was better, and it was time to go back..

But I couldn't..

Everytime I got to school.. I would start to cry at some time during the day.. This is at age 13 people. So.. In the end.. I began to school refuse.. At some point or another; I was taken to a psychiatrist; and diagnosed with Depression..

I feel like.. I just never get a break sometimes.

Depression lasted a long time.. And then I finally got back to school.. Well.. bit different; and open learning school run by a lovely lady by the name of Margaret.. Now don't get me wrong, Margaret was a lovely person who actually did care.. But.. The school was just.. I don't know. I think she could do things different, I just don't know what.. Anyway.

During the time at this school nicknamed (KIDS), I met a person called Daniel.. Daniel and I are now friends, still up to this day..

The end of last year; I bode my farewells; and left KIDS. I signed up for a place called Canning College at the beginning of this year, holidays came and went, and so began Term One..

I did fine.. Was doing rather great actually.. Yep.. Really great.. BOOM! Breakdown. End of Term One.

Why is it that everytime I was doing WELL at something I had a breakdown???

Since my breakdown, I have redeveloped depression, and now I have agoraphobia.. I BARELY leave the house anymore.. I can go to places I've been a hundred times (Shops..) but that's about it.. I can't handle anything else. I don't go to school anymore because everytime I try I just have a panic attack.. I don't even go to town anymore to have fun.. I'm stuck in this bloody house too scared to go anywhere.. And it's NOT FAIR! I miss my friends so much I miss my hobbies... I worry so much, day and night, about what my life is going to be about.. I feel so useless at the moment.. I have suicidal thoughts a lot, but I know I could never do it.. This is gonna sound reason, but do you want to know why? Because I love mum too much.. I would give my LIFE for her readers..

Now I understand that you probably wouldn't understand, but its ok... But.. I just really hate life.. I hate my life.. And talking about it.. Posting on the internet.. It's not easy.. But please, please.. I have one.. Hold on starting to cry.. Hard to cry when your sick with the flu..

Anyway..

I have one request.. Please.. Please try to understand it...

I don't want you to talk to me differently.. I don't want you to act towards me differently.. All I need is your friendship.. Because I know one day, I will get out of this friggin place, and I will be free.. I will be happy.. And I will meet you all. I have friends in the USA. Two great friends who are like sisters to me.. I love them so much; and I don't care what anyone thinks.  It's funny ya know.. Don't think there's ever been a period in my house where I have been happy and my subconcious accepts it

Well.. I don't think I have anymore rambling to add.. I just wanted to get the icky stuff off my chest, because I think it helps to 'unload the backpack' in a sense..

Psychiatrist on Thursday (well tomorrow), but I don't think I'll be going to sleep yet.. I feel really sad and not-caring about life at the moment.. Well,

Cya Later,
Zac..

6am.. I give up.. I'm heading to bed.
I wrote this poem to say goodnight to Amichan.. (Neechan means little sister)

Another day has passed and gone, while I should have slept..
My secret, sadness, in my heart.. Something I've well kept..
Although great love fills my sorrow, my eyes begin to droop..
I wonder still, I wonder why.. My feelings trapped in a loop..
Though one day still, I do dream, I shall be happy once more..
I head to bed, feeling sleepy, I pray I do not snore!
But neechan dear, I love you so; pray tell you tell heleta too!
Love you must; my head grows weary.. I bid goodnight to you.

Goodnight world.